Rabbi Asch on Vayigash

In this week’s Torah portion, Vayigash, we read of a confrontation between the disguised Joseph and his brothers. Joseph demands his brothers leave Benjamin, Jacob’s youngest son, in Egypt. However, Judah steps forward and refuses to leave Benjamin behind. He explains that if they return without him the consequences will be severe for their father, Jacob: “When he (Jacob) sees that the boy (Benjamin) is gone, he will die, and [we] will have brought down our father…to the grave (Genesis 44:31).” Our text imagines the heart wrenching tragedy of losing a son. 

These ancient words take on a more poignant meaning less than a week after the tragedy in Newtown. We can imagine the parents who lost their children feeling, like Jacob, as if they too will die.  

Jewish tradition provides us with a framework for dealing with devastating losses. We learn that our losses do not ever go away entirely, but they get easier with time. During shivah, the first seven days after a death, we refrain from most of the rituals of daily life. We don’t shave or wear makeup or jewelry. We refrain from working and entertainment (music, movies, television, board games, etc.) At the end of shivah, a family takes a walk around the block, symbolically reentering the world. But mourning is not yet complete. During sheloshim, the first thirty days following a death, mourners continue to refrain from entertainment and celebrations. Between 30 days and one year after a death, an unveiling ceremony is held. The family visits the grave and the marker is officially unveiled. Psalms are recited and often remembrances of the deceased are offered. We may not all follow all of these rituals exactly, but it is helpful to acknowledge and mark our different stages of grief through changing our daily lives in some way.

Jewish tradition teaches us that we can, and should grieve intensely, but we cannot let our grief consume our lives forever. Psalm 30:12 reads, “You turned my mourning into dancing.” We know that the change from sorrow to joy cannot happen overnight, but through following Jewish mourning rituals we can honor our grief and our need to find joy in our lives as well.